Sunday, February 12, 2006

My Last Night

It's my last night in my old apartment. It's 2:05 in the morning, and despite the fact that I moved all my stuff today, I can't sleep. My heart is so broken, that right now, I can't imagine a time when I'll be happy again.

This old apartment was filled with so much hope. I really thought that I would be marrying the man that I was moving in with. I'm filled with so much anger, so much hurt. Part of me wants to beg him to stay in this, beg him to love me. But I'm not going to do that. One reason why...

He's throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him.

I would have loved him unconditionally, I would have birthed his children. I would have put up with everything that goes along with his family, because I know that he'd have to put up with mine. I would have been the supportive wife, the "perfect" wife. I would have even learned how to cook. :)

But I'm not going to change who I am anymore for him.

I will find the man I'm meant to marry. A man who loves me for me. A man who doesn't make me feel bad about needing to lose weight all the time. A man that doesn't talk down to me when I say something stupid. A man that when he says he'll try to make it work, he'll actually TRY.

I am STRONG. I will survive this, and leave him with my dignity intact.

And I will knit like hell through this. :)


knittingnurse said...

Leaving with you dignity intact is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and, believe it or not, for him. You will be amazed at how differently you can look at yourself in the mirror when you can keep your self respect intact. He's taken so much of you already, he truly should not be given the most intimate part of you. . . . you self BEING!

Knit on, cry on, knit and cry and make sure that you make yourself something that can be warm and comforting as you will later reflect on this change in your life. Or, better yet, knit and cry into a shawl or a blanket and then donate it. It might be very cathartic to put all your tears and pain into a project and then release it. A symbolic way of letting it all out and then letting it all go.

Be strong. Remember that your knitting 'pals' are behind you 100% of the way!

Nicole Valentine said...

delurking to say I don't even know you but I know you can do this... you go girl... this will just be a blip on the radar when you look back in life